My life experiences, my family dynamics, whatever it is, my old tapes always seem to find their way back into the forefront of my thinking, blocking out the truths and revelations I have learned. I find myself in this place over and over—questioning the basics, confused and wondering about the “whys,” yet tired of the old—shunning it, angry at it—knowing there is more, knowing there is a truth that will set me free, invigorate me.
One of the things I like about myself is that I will question what it seems others already know and have moved beyond. When I’m in these places, I am honest, asking God the questions that perhaps a novice Christian asks, but perhaps are more relevant to more people than I think. There are certain things I know—I know God is love and He is fair and absolutely not arbitrary, but cannot always see HOW this is so.
I read of people in history who have died for their beliefs while singing, people who would be thrown into a lion’s den rather than stop praying in public, something that I may or may not do depending on my energy level, even in private. People that have found a belief so real that they spend the rest of their life on this earth preparing for the next. How does heaven become so real? How do you get this passion that surpasses even the desire to live? How do you find a reality of the future that is more real than the present?
This possibility that I see by others’ examples is what I’m after. Documenting the answers to my obstacle questions as a way to return to them and free my heart from the entanglement of confusion is the purpose of this blog, and maybe to share the answers I find…
Maybe it’s a weird place to be, Christian without being able to explain why. I was basically born into Christianity, walked away from the Christian life for a few years, and then came back. I know God is real, I know He is the creator of all things, I know He will return for us and He is fair and just and loves everyone and wants everyone to be saved. I know He has perfect reason for everything that has or ever will happen. I know we will all understand it all one day… but I also know there is more.
I know there is that thing that I talked about earlier, the relationship and reality of heavenly things that becomes more real than the day-to-day we live. I know there is a heart on fire for God and His ways. I think the barrier to this is not understanding, because if everyone could watch a video from beginning to end and fully understand God, would anyone still not choose it? I’m sure the answer, sadly, is yes, but still—I think the more we dig and reveal God, the more our heart will be filled with gratitude and desire for His ways.
When I live in my unanswered questions, my mind begins to become uneasy and not peaceful. I begin doubting my salvation, fearing death, scared that I will not make it. Anxiety creeps in or floods in. I will spend nights awake with fearful thoughts, regrets, or with that uneasy sense of being on a conveyor belt moving steadily toward death and realizing I’ve probably lived more years than I have left and hating the clock. Then I stop and wonder if this is the experience of a Christian. Why do I feel this? Has the Holy Spirit left me? Why don’t I have peace? Why am I so afraid? Is God talking to me, or am I left to my own devices? Have I been so stubborn I’ve grieved the Holy Spirit away?
Or on the other side of the spectrum, I tire of fear and introspection and worry, and I allow the busyness of life to take over—doing a million things a day and falling into bed exhausted to watch a TV show and fall asleep and wake up to another day to do it over again…. And then I realize with horror one night at 3 a.m. that I have hardly read my Bible or prayed, and I haven’t made teaching my son the Word of God the most important subject, and the fear ensues…. another sleepless night…
When I think about why I avoid church or prayer or time with God, I wonder why? If it’s so great that people gladly give their lives, what am I missing? How can I be so nonchalant about prayer when someone else was willing to die instead of giving it up? What is it I’m believing in? Do I believe? I mean, really believe, more than the devil—who also is aware of God’s existence? Where is my belief?
This is my journey for entering a genuine relationship with God—for answering the questions that come into my mind as I live my day to day.
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